Scriptures
Romans 12:2 - “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” (NLT)
Psalms 139:14 - “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” (ESV)
Definitions
Insecurity - noun - uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.
Acceptance - noun - approval
I have never been the most popular person growing up. I was always known mostly for my academics and dance skills. I have always been shy, an introvert and not super talkative. I have only had a few close friends growing up. If I can be honest, those were things I disliked about myself for years! Mostly because what I was being told about myself, how special I am, how beautiful and smart I am - by my parents.. I didn’t always receive that type of love while at school and that follow me into college as well. It may have been that I didn’t pay attention to the ones who did see that in me but rather the ones who could care less. Growing up this way as a shy person and an introvert, you tend to get overlooked. I got use of that and accepted it to the point of not speaking up when I should have or feeling what I had to say wasn’t important or inadequate. Even in the early years of college, I would try to become the social girl by going out a lot, partying, drinking or just anything I could do to be seen and not just as this goody, goody, quiet Christian girl. I wanted people to know me and feel accepted. But after all of that, only a few people actually really knew me for ME! I wasted so much time focusing on being accepted or “known” that I was not focused on GOD and his plans for me. I was more concerned about other people accepting me but not accepting myself.
However, that began to change when I was accepted into nursing school at a different university where I didn’t know one single person. I would literally go to class, clinical and go home. Until one day, one of my fellow nursing students told me about a bible study that a few former nursing students started. It was life changing and I began to open up (well not all the way lol) about so many things that I had suppressed for years that truly affected me such as my parents’ divorce when I was eleven years old. As well growing up with the same people in daycare, elementary school and middle school then having to go to a different high school you didn’t plan on going to where I hardly knew anyone. Being told by a guy you thought was cute that he doesn’t date girls with glasses and never wearing glasses again for the remainder of my high school years. Always having a desire to do a pageant/homecoming court but sitting in homeroom on the day to vote and someone says who’s Ebony so and so. Someone you’ve been in homeroom with for over a year. The embarrassment and having your heart sink. No more taking risks in high school to try something different and just sticking to academics and dance. I settled for what was comfortable and protected my heart. Some of things may seem small or insignificant to others but I believe it’s the little insecurities that can continue to build one on top of another and turn into a bigger insecurity of not being accepted which is what the enemy wanted me to focus on.
After a few months of attending, I began to have a breakthrough - forgiving myself and others for things I could no longer hold on to and should have let go of a long time ago. I had finally accepted me for ME, that I love JESUS and he loved me first! GOD made me exactly how he wanted me to be - for a reason and for a purpose. No longer did I not speak up for myself. No longer did I dislike my shyness and my quiet/introvert nature. At the end of the day, people can say or dislike whatever they choose but I cannot allow that to affect how I see myself every single day. but most importantly how GOD sees me. I began to send out inspiration messages to friends and that turned into a blog a few years later. I started to be fine and accepting of the woman GOD created for a purpose! I know in my heart that he always accepts me and wants a relationship with me no matter what but that also meant being obedient to him.
Fast forward to 2019 and I am now living in Texas. In a new place where I only knew a couple of people. I pretty much started over on my own as a twenty-eight year old adult for the first time. In time, those insecurities started to creep back up. Some situations occurred that intensified those insecurities of not feeling worthy, not enough, too shy, too quiet and too spiritual! I was getting back into wanting to be accepted in this new environment. Sometimes having these feelings and not being obedient to what GOD is telling you to do can cost you in many ways. I was brought to Texas for a purpose and I could not get wrapped up in feeling lonely and being hurt by other people’s actions that I go off and do what I wanted like running back to Georgia and not what GOD wanted me to do instead. No matter if it felt uncomfortable, unfair and just did not make sense.
As this new year/decade begins GOD had to refocus my thought process, mindset and heart. For me to trust that he is always here and wants the best for me. That he truly cares about my well-being. I have to know that but I also have to believe that in my heart, soul and spirit. I can do nothing without him! It will never feel right if I do anything without GOD. I’ve become so much more transparent in the last few months. I speak up more and more each day. I let it be known that I am GOD’s daughter! Period! Don’t get me wrong, it’s a constant and everyday battle but I must choose my spirit over my flesh everyday. I have to be intentional about that. Everyday GOD reminds me in different situations that I have to trust him. He has me always. No matter what other people may think or say that GOD always has the final say and most importantly he loves me for the wonderfully and fearfully made woman he created almost twenty-nine years ago. There was no mistake. It is intentional for me to be here, right now in this moment, in this year and in this decade!
Ebony, 2020
